Right, so.

So why am i here again?

I don't know exactly except to say that this is by far the most understanding group I've found a place where I can ramble at length and type away heavy thoughts on my chest.

Have gained loads of weight: 162

I'm on the track back down but it's just so amazing when you finally open your eyes again and begin to see yourself, when you stop lying to yourself.

Worked out hard yesterday-for only 15 minutes today. Maybe a run/walk when I'm at Mom's.

I have a good friend name Kris and she is my height and 50 pounds less, such a tiny little thing and a role model in many aspcets, certainly in weight. She runs all the time and barely eats. She certainly has her own set of body issues, but I'd like to adopt those. I'm scared though of losing the little bit of health I had found. OA meeting this Sat. phew thank god. Sanity

Artist to check out: Rufus wainwright

Movie to see: The Breakup(thinspo-Jennifer Anniston!), Naco Libre(thinspo b/c Jblack is faaat)

Book to read: Devil Wears Prada (thinspo!)

Fucker I miss this thing-not that anyone is going to see this as I have all but dropped off the face of the eart-just needed a place to ramble.

Why do I love the taste of cigarettes in a boys mouth, tumbling with strangers in the dark, but I always hope they call and never do. I love meeting someone and falling in love for a night-being drunk and happy to be close to someone. Erik, Adam, John, Phil,, Alex, Mitch Ok I don't remeber the rest of the names honestly-well Jonathan, but I fell hard for him, would still take him back. He took me swing dancing and played Jack Johnson. He put his hand on my leg, kissed me.

Erik kept me by his side-cute cute cute. Iloved his scruffy beard.

John-well what is it about John-he had me sit on his lap, held my hand rubbed my back, walked me to the car. pressed up against me.

boys boys boys

Right now: Erik is the least obtainable and the one I want the most by default-he's still in love with some other girl whos parents don't like him. Too bad I loved his scruffy beard and tilted hat-his nervous glances.oh yummmy

boooyyysss

Goodness gracious! I haven't been on here in forever! I 've been overwhelmed with the play at school and AP study sessions.

So I'll do a run through:

I went to an OA meeting at my Mom's insistance-I hope this will help me get over the bingeing and help me stick to a meal plan-that's a big part of the program. I'm excited about having a support group to keep me accountable to meals and exercise!

I purged three times on Saturday : ( 

Sunday I went to work and started feeling very faint and naseous, I nearly passed out. I had to leave work (which means I'm broke this week : ( )

I took my AP language test this morning and went to the ER this afternoon: I was still feeling shitty at school and it got way worse so I went home and my temp was 103 so we went to the ER, it turned out to be just strep and the doc said unrelated to the bulimia (yes I had to tell him, embarrassing, no?)

My throat hurts so bad I definitley won't be purging and can't eat very well (what a shame right?)

I've gotten to be good friends with this girl named Kirstin Buthcer who is super thin and really really awesome I love her to death. We've decided we're going to work at nights this summer so we can work out together in the morning and then go to the pool from like 11-4 and flirt with the lifeguards. Her goal is to get better eating habits(you know like eating at all) and my goal is to have sex haha no not really a bf and then maybe...

She is from England and reminds me of Amanda Bynes. She went to London over spring break and went out with this 23  yr old at nights and partied, drank, danced with all kinds of guys, made alot of good guy friends, including one who she is pretty hot on and whom she stays with while over there (good times good times). It's like a marykate/ashley olsen movie, no? We've decided they are our role models this summer, we'll take their adventures and sex them up haha. We're both on the market and she has tons of hot guy friends.

So all I need to do is lose 40 pounds haha. But seriously.

I'm really glad we've gotten so close, we're both on the same page about alot of stuff and she is major thinspiration. She runs alot and doesn't eat breakfast, rarely eats lunch, doesn't get dinner, then comes home and "pigs out"- but her prom dress is slipping down and she bought it only last week.I said in response "keep eating kris". We skipped school Friday together (again) b/c she was uber down. We went to IHOP (I only ate toast don't worry) then went to ABC trading for cheap jewelry, saw some hotties left, the hotties left, we flirted car to car (2 of them 2 of us), tried to get them to follow us to the mall but lost them but lo-saw them again at Abercrombie, talked a little, took a picture with them for the photo books and rolled out. Then we went to Sephora and got Kris all made up for prom, she bought some shoes and we went back to school to show her off. She's 5'7 and really really slim and looked killer in her heels and hot makeup everyone was double taking she looked like a supermodel. We took a look at her prom dress with jewlery and makeup and hair-she is GORGEOUS!!! So we're going to double team all the hot guys at prom.

Sorry for all the rambling-it's just nice to have a new friend. We're going to apply for some jobs together over the summer too.

I tried on this pink corset at Victoria's Secret and it looked SO HOT-so we decided that I'll get it when I find a love interest. hee hee

I got my ACT results too: 26 : (

I was hoping hopinh hoping for a 30 but maybe I could raise it to a 28 if I study hard.

Well girls I guess that's about it-praise those who made it to here.

Can't wait until summer!!!!

I have to say I'm kind of dissapointed that no one commented yesterday-hello? Anyone?

Even if there wasn't I'd keep to talking to myself it helps putting it out there

Everything has been clogged inside my lungs and stomach for so long and I want to eject it all, get it on to a piece of paper, get something done. Get something right.

I want to feel clean, have fun, go on a date

Today I did crap

Yesterday I did crap

But I ran yesterday and today

I'm trying to turn it around...I keep trying

My fashion designer friend is making my prom dress-I'm going to be beatuiful my dress will be so original-straight off the runway:)

<3<3

Wish I had a date : (

Under the caterpillars belly thats how low

Who knew I could get so low

Last night was the worst in a long time, barfing barfing barfing barfing, clogged the toilet, had to get Dad. Didn't have my homework for today

skipped with kris-blew all my money, smoked two batties

Lost a friend-I'm stoo sketch for her- ate lunch-got starbucks-$$$-cane home, parents are gone, (has the school called?)-so much homework, so much to do- was at the mall the other half of the day shopping for friends-wallets empty

I get home

letter from my lawyer: owe 150

So much to pay for

so much so much so much

maybe I won't go to prom, I'll stay home and work on getting skinny, earn money, pull my shit together, pick my ass up off the ground-I need help I need help I need help

I can party when my life isn't falling apart when I don't make myself feel horrible

Irresponsible FAT Ugly FAT sketchy FAT loser FAT loser FAT

I'm going to go run, get home, do my chores, go to work, work all weekend, keep my head straight, get my homework done, no puking tonight

That's the other thing, my throat lymph nodes are sooo swollen sooo swollen

It makes me look even fatter than I am

Kris is the tiniest thing you've ever seen "I wish I were a size 2"

"What size are you?"

"A three"

oh boo. She prolly hates me b/c me and sean were high and she was bored, she didn't want to smoke and I feel bad for leaving her out.

Fuck it, fuck friends, let me just get this shit together.

I'd look so much better skinny.

Skinny girls can wear anything

don't worry about what the clothes hide b/c there's nothing they have to hide.

Everything I looked at today was like"It's so cute" but it's not cute on me, not cute on me at all

I was really high when I bought these three shirts, I'll take them back and put the moeny in savings.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$